American Idol Season 3. 10 Left: Motown

So, I’m going to have a(nother) go at recapping. Not the whole show. {Shudder} I’ve done that before (see the Recap Index.) I've given Ryan nicknames and insults and moaned over his stupidities. From now on I’m going to ignore him. And the judges – Randy with his “dawg” and “aiiiiight,” Paula with her weird non-sensical phrases, guest judges looking vapid and praising everyone, and Simon’s cranky frankness. All the crappy filler will not be covered by me. 

So what is left, you might be wondering.  This article shall focus on the performances, such as they are, and what I thought of them.  I shall not recap the results show. The following week I’ll report who was sent home.

For example, last week Matt was shown the door, surprising me since I thought deer-in-headlights Camille was sure to leave. And maybe his departure shook up the contestants and accounts for their less-than-sparkling performances tonight. Or maybe Motown is creaky and old-fashioned and boring. It felt like old people's music back when I was a kid, for crying out loud. And I grew up in the damn 60s.

Tonight’s show is the one perfect show of the season. With 10 contestants and only an hour, there is no room for filler.  From here on in, expect the ratio of filler to climb.

Camille attacks a song by Tony Bennett, “For Once In My Life.” She’s wearing an ugly green (I think it’s pastel acid green) top that bares her midriff, with a hanky tied across her hips over black jeans. Hair is pulled into a ponytail but it’s off-centre and so is distracting. Some kind of new-age peace symbol earrings dangle from her lobes - parallel lines in a circle. I’m more interested in her outfit: anything to avoid having to talk about her “singing.”

Okay, I could go on about her expression. She's not quite as paralyzed as last week. She’s upbeat, so maybe she’s overcome her horrendous stagefright.  But it’s too upbeat. It’s like the ambulance of singing, racing to get herself to the Idol Hospital. But she’s upbeat!  It counts for a lot that Camille doesn’t look quite as stunned in front of the camera. Okay for something. I give her a 2.

Yes, on a scale of 1 to 10, Camille is now worth a 2. I’m sure someone else will suck even worse. I could double up on the 1s and 2s if need be, but I figure that since there are 10 singers tonight, why not grade them on a sliding scale. Even if that scale wishes it could slide into the sea and take some of them with it.

Jon Peter Lewis for example. Hobbit does an Isley Bros tune, “This Old Heart of Mine.”

He’s all in black, oh wait, that’s just the lighting. It’s actually a brown  leather jacket, blue jeans, and a gray shirt with some kind of scrawly writing. The outfit is completely meh. I find myself mesmerized by his thick stubby legs.

I don’t like this guy, but I have to admit this performance isn’t as bad as last week’s “I’m just hitting puberty” or the week before “Puberty is coming soon for me.” He is singing really really fast. I don’t recall this song being this fast. He kind of slows down a bit for the chorus, which isn’t saying much. It’s like he turned onto the regular highway after traveling the musical equivalent of the Autobahn. Mr. Islands calls this performance “karaoke.” Hobbit smiles winsomely for his legion of fans who don't care what he sounds like, they just want to squeal over a "cute" guy.

When the judges spout rubbish like “in the pocket” and “You did your thing and served it up,” you understand why I want to ignore them.  I give Hobbit a 3 out of 10, mostly for managing to keep the voice in the same register and for getting it over so quickly. Sometimes speed is a good thing.

LaToya croons Smokey Robinson’s “Oooh Baby Baby.”

The color of the dress she's wearing is lovely against her dark skin; the design of it sucks. The beige dress has unfortunate inserts in the front that make her look like she’s busting out of it.  That gathering has some name or other in the fashion world, "frechette" or "cushionee" or something equally twee.  Anyway, it’s not a good look for LaToya. It’s for girls who are so stick-thin they’re trying to convince people they’re not really anorexic. The dress also pulls tight over the thigh area.

Now, the hair. Hair is in strings, I’m guessing those are extensions. They almost look good. I can see her looking in the mirror and thinking this is an elegant look. But that’s because she doesn’t look at the mess on the top of her head. Simon thought it was a cat; my eyes were mesmerized by the long stringy bits hanging down beside her face and I never really got around to looking closely at the shmoosh on top.

She has a nice voice.  Mr. Islands says it’s a bad song choice because it makes her seem like she’s a back-up singer instead of the main singer. She does the oooh oooh part so nicely - oh yeah. I see what he means. Good call, sweetie.  It’s definitely not her best performance, but it’s a major improvement over what we’ve just seen.  Or at least better, because I am only giving her a 4 mostly on account of her song, fashion and hair choices.

Amy Adams belts out “Dancin’ In The Streets,” a song I really like.  Did Seaquest tell us the artist who did it before? Didn’t Petula Clark do this song one time?

Amy has pink/purple hair that actually works for this wacky look and sound. It’s very fun 60s. Her top has one normal shoulder and one shoulder with what must be a strip of rhinestones. She has also gone with the bare midriff and black jeans.

Now, it’s not a good look, for Amy, the bared midriff. It’s not that she’s grossly overweight, just that she is a little too thick in the middle to pull it off. The look I mean. Yes, it’s true not every female has a really curvy shape, but if you’re one of the unfortunates whose torso is completely devoid of shapely curves, and you’re not on an island playing Survivor, then best not to flaunt the fact. It’s one more thing that detracts. The camera spends quite a lot of time looking at Amy from an angle somewhere on the 10 a.m. spot behind her, as if it were trying to find an angle from which she will appear shapely and curvy. It fails to do so.

I like her voice, a lot, but the head waggle during this number isn’t attractive. And that last note – ouch. She sounded somewhat like Petula Clark during most of the number.  I can’t remember what it was she sounded like when she hit that horrible flourish or I'd make a really good joke about it. I just had a feeling that she figured she needed a flourish to make up for doing only 1/4 of the song. You don't. If the competition only allows you to perform 1/4 of the song, just let it end. There's no need to go overboard signalling that the end is coming prematurely.

Originally I gave her a 5 because she took Simon’s little dig about her physical resemblance to Jay Leno with a good-natured laugh, but I’m upgrading her to a 6 because I needed to hand out a lower grade to someone else later.

John Stevens takes on “My Girl.” Everyone loses.  He does knee bends. His voice sounds thin. He’s in a black suit. His red hair is still red.  He sucks. He’s flat and the nervous warbling makes it worse, if that’s possible. It’s very unattractive. For once, I wish the background singers were louder.  And of course he also brings on a “jazzed up” flourish for the finish.

That so totally sucked.  John Stevens is why I needed to save the 1 spot. When Paula gives the negative “it was safe” comment you know you’re in trouble. Audience doesn’t boo Simon’s negativity. Some loon screams out from the back of the room. Sorry. I did say I wasn't going to report all that stuff.  Anyhoo, I think we ought to be bidding adieu to Data’s little brother real soon. Remember Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation? That’s who John Stevens looked like tonight. And I guess, every other night but the resemblance really struck me tonight. Anything to avoid thinking too much about his "singing."

Jennifer Hudson gets to do “Heat Wave." She’s wearing a white shirt, gray overshirt, gray pants. I like her voice right off the bat. It’s a fast song, and she sounds good. Unfortunately she runs into a little trouble at the end, and finishes up shouting the “yeah yeah.”  Her dancing isn’t the most attractive. She looks like a giant Gumby from one angle. But she gets a standing ovation from the crowd, grateful to have something to applaud.

I'm giving her a 7 because I really liked her at the beginning and maybe this song can handling a bit of shouting.

“You’re All I Need to Get By” is what Jasmine Trias has chosen in an effort to suck up to Thingy & Simpson, the guest judges for the evening. Who, incidentally, look like they have had 25 facelifts and the last few haven’t quite taken. Man those two look really awful. Are they 95 years old or something?  How many drugs have they done? What IS the matter with them?

Jasmine has chosen a white jasmine flower for this evening. I never noticed before if the flower is always a jasmine, but I suppose it would be. She has on black knee length pants and a black top with spaghetti straps. Stiletto heels. The outfit looks nice on her, but it doesn’t go with the song, unless she’s singing to her pimp or perhaps her customers.

Her voice is kind of thin.  Simon thinks it’s the best so far. What? No way.  That’s not saying much given what we’ve heard so far. But I disagree. While she has a nice voice, and this performance didn’t grate with too many notes held, I prefer the energy of Jennifer and Amy to Jasmine.  So Jasmine gets a 5, and Amy is bumped up to the 6 spot.

“Do You Love Me Now?” is performed by one of my favorites, Diana Degarmo. The stylists appear to have a template for the kiddies tonight. We're seeing a lot of contrasting tee-shirts.  Diana has a white shirt under a black jean jacket, and a red pleated skirt reminiscent of early 60s high school dances. The cute girl who could really do the watusi and the bugalu wore stuff like that. Man, the watusi is not recognized by Word. I'm not even sure what dance steps constitute the watusi. But you know - those fling-the-girl-up and twirl-her-around kind of dances. Maybe that's the 50s.

Diana has good energy, nice control.  It’s a fun song. The ending kind of sucks, but I do like her energy and I love her voice. She performs these songs. She earns minimum of the 8 spot (and which I subsequently revise when George isn’t as good.) Simon didn’t like her presentation but did agree with the others about her good vocal ability.

A Moment to Rant.  I’m kind of pissed off with a comment Simon made last week when he told somebody she sounded “mom & pop.” I think it was Amy, but the point is, a lot of this music IS mom & pop’s music, if not grandparents’ music. If the competition is going to have them doing stuff that sounds like it came straight out of the 50s and 60s, quit whining about it, Simon. Give them some up-to-date kinds of music, like grunge for example. I would love to see the good singers take on Soundgarden, Pearl Jam and Nirvana. It would make a really different week, that’s for sure. Man I would love it. If they’re going to have all these other kind of boring genres, why can’t we have something a bit more modern?

Fantasia does Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard It Thru The Grapevine.” Black shirt, giant white cardigan that I think of as 'cable knit' cuz I don't know from knitting.  It's attached in the middle by one button, and she has on one tiny denim skirt with some weird patches on its backside. Yeah okay. The cardigan kind of takes over her look, and I find myself staring at, trying to get used to it.

Fantasia is doing that shuffle step she loves so much, and traveling all around the stage. I love this song. She's doing a good job with it, altering her volume, and hitting some gorgeous notes.

All in all, a credible job. Occasionally she screeches a little bit, but when she hits a honey note, it’s awesome. I’m in two minds on whether to award her the 10 spot. I wait to see if George is awesome (he is not) so she ends up getting it.  Simon thought her performance was superb.

George Huff covers “Aint Too Proud to Beg” a Temptations track.  He has on a black undershirt, peach shirt, brown jacket, blue jeans. Is he begging for someone to help out with the wardrobe?

He has a nice voice, but he’s smiling too much for the song. It’s an okay performance, but not hot, not sizzling. It’s pleasant. He doesn’t really earn the 9 spot, so I revise. George gets the 8 spot, Diana the 9 and Fantasia the 10.

Who Should Go?  I think the bottom three ought to be Camille, JPL the Hobbit and John Stevens.

However, I acknowledge that Stevens' fanbase may still be a force in working order, and will fight against his poor showing in the vain hope that some upcoming category will showcase his "talent." He deserves to go, but chances are that Camille will go instead.

As for who else might be in the bottom 3, if not Red-haired Data's little brother, I'm kind of at a loss. While LaToya was a 4 by my own reckoning, she's done well in previous weeks and doesn't deserve bottom 3 status just yet. Neither does Amy, but she might also be a bottom feeder this go-round. I really don't know where the fanbases are. But I'm looking forward to a category of music I really like, that they get into and give us a sizzling night. Motown wasn't it.

That's as much of a prediction as I'm prepared to make.