American Idol 3. Seven make Manilow proud

Previously on Spew Fountain, Eight Went To The Movies. There was one awesome performance – Fantasia’s of "Summertime" and a load of crap. Oh alright. You beg to differ, I hear your plea. Jennifer was pretty good, and Latoya’s fans always and inexplicably (to my mind anyway) are happy with her performance. But everyone else either kind of sucked or totally sucked.

Last week was like every week. We're teased with one or two great performances, nestled like diamonds in the extreme rough of mediocre and ghastly mangled wretchedness. There has been no problem filling the bottom 3. Other than that it never seems to be filled with those most deserving, I mean.

After so much wretchedness, I figured I needed insurance in the form of something to beef up the recap in case Manilow made every contestant suck so bad that all I could say was “Gee, that sucked.” So I checked the TV guide for stuff to watch after American Idol. Ah, an episode of South Park.  Perfect! As it turns out, I didn’t need the insurance, but I did see something that spoke volumes. There’s a scene in which Cartman throws up on his own face while laying on his back after over-dosing on coffee. For me, that just sums up the week I’ve had recapping AI3, The Bachelor season 5, ep 2 and Survivor All Suck.   But enough about my problems.

For the past couple weeks, the Results Show has jumped through hoops in an effort to make viewers forget they’re wasting 27.5 minutes of their evening, not to mention putting the contestants through hell. Actually, come to think of it, putting the contestants through hell is fair compensation considering the hell most of them have put us through, at one time or another (or all the time.) The hoop jumping certainly is more interesting to report, but I’m still not convinced it’s worth even half an hour of my evening.

Last week’s hoop consisted of naming the five who were safe first, until it gradually dawned on everyone that they weren’t going to extract the three, so much as leave them standing there. The fun would have been catching sight of their wee faces, with realization dawning. I’m sorry I missed that. As sometimes is the case on reality TV, the host’s job must have turned into ignoring the contestants’ discomfort in the interest of forcing the story forward. In Ryan’s case, of course, that appears to be his main reason for still wanting the job.

I was pleasantly stunned to learn the identity of the Bottom 3 last week:  Jon Peter Hobbit, Data Stevens and Diana. Although I had placed them in the Bottom 4 (along with Jasmine), I didn’t expect JPH’s fan-base to kick the bucket, give up the ghost and/or see the light quite so soon. I thought they would have dragged out the misery for a couple more weeks, at least. Still, with Hobbit gone, not only is it the end of the one-note song and the epileptic’s dance fever, but it’s also probably the end of the jokes at his expense. It’s a miracle, but a double-edged miracle.

And so, onto tonight. Staggering. Mind-boggling. An actual evening of performances. Not just one or two, but many. Each performer was striving to perform, to outdo his or her previous best. Here are my ratings for tonight:

7 Fantasia

6 Jennifer

5 Latoya

4 Diana

3 Jasmine

2 George

1 John Stevens

This is close to the order in which I see them finishing in this competition.

Latoya could last longer than Jennifer, but that would simply be a function of fanbases. Actually, the two of them could be the final 2, but I still like Fantasia the best. Nevertheless, I reckon the top three will do well when they release their albums. Actually, each member of this Final 7 has fans and should do well. People who’d pay for a CD might be greater in number than the group willing to call in & vote, but they all have followings, most of them deservedly so in my view.

So okay, I could definitely consider switching George and Diana for overall ratings, but what difference would it make? Well, I guess a lot of difference if you can’t stand Diana and love George; it would be two weeks more of him instead of her. But given this is his second week sucking and she is improving, I know I’d rather have Plastic Diana being upbeat and happy than Dippity Do Dog George flubbing songs because he hasn’t thought about their meaning.

This week, Manilow coaxed as great a performance as possible out of everyone. Don’t get all excited - I said “as possible.”

Requisite Ryan crap in which he incorporates song titles into lame introductions of the judges. Manilow himself is guest judging and he’s actually quite cute for a 70 year old. I don’t know how old he is – mid 60s? Whatever, Ryan knows the smell of a sugar daddy and sucks up like there’s no tomorrow.

If anyone says anything interesting I might report it. During the intro blurbie, Barry explains he came up with new arrangements for the songs to fit each performer. He says he wanted to give his catalogue an Extreme Makeover, to tailor the arrangements to suit their strengths. Unfortunately, he couldn’t also rewrite the lyrics. At least the Idol hopefuls don’t end up sounding just like him, for which most of us are or ought to be thankful.

I still can’t bring myself to report all the filler that goes on when the contestants are forced to chit-chat with Ryan. It’s painful watching and listening to it once, never mind transcribing and spell checking and just re-living it. Watching was excruciating; it felt embarrassing to be involved, ‘nuff said. Think of it as another Cartman After Too Much Coffee situation.

Diana DeGarmo has been assigned "One Voice."  It’s her story. She is just one voice and she wants to change the world.

Her hair is not as flouncy as last week but still looks nice. Her outfit doesn’t intrude. It doesn’t completely suck, but it’s not fabulous. White jacket, yellow top, gray pants.

After she’s been singing for about 5 seconds I notice a loud clack in the background music, as if John Stevens’ finger-snapping had been digitized and synthesized and turned up to a 7. I don’t know what it’s doing there, but it’s annoying.

It’s a good song choice for Diana, in that it allows her to show a range of soft and loud. I don’t find it to be grating her voice, but she doesn’t have as much energy & bounce as she has had. I don’t know the song, but after one listen I hope I never have to hear it again. I don’t care for it as a song, but as a performance showcase, it’s great. Mr Islands thinks she looks bored, like she didn’t want to sing this song. I remind him we saw what happened last week when she loved the song.

Contestants, remember. This is a competition and it’s about doing songs that make you look good so people will vote for you, it’s not about doing songs you love.  You’ll have a chance to do songs you love once you’re recording your album and there’s room for “filler.”

Dawg compliments her with a backslap (“you choose songs beyond your ability and you do it” – sounds like he’s trying to say something nice but his compliments suck), Barry says he wrote this song in a dream, and dreamed of it being sung as she did. (And he’s dreaming if she’s ever going to perform it again without heavy upfront financial incentive.)  Paula pulls out her negative-is-positive up-is-down kind of backhanded compliment (“there’s nothing you can’t do” blah blah.) Simon thinks it is Diana’s best performance of the season. I wouldn’t go that far – it showcased her ability as a singer, but she didn’t have a great connection with the song. Who could? That song is dreary.

George Huff “gets” to do "Get that Feeling Again." As he tells us he’s looking forward to doing this, he looks scared. Turns out, with good reason.

He has on white pants and a red striped shirt that make him look like he’s on his lunch break from Baskin-Robbins. He’s dipping again. Maybe he’s just reaching in to get the last few scoops of Rocky Road.

This is horrible. Not a good song for him. Hubby says he looks like a junkie looking for a fix. Crowd goes nuts of course, cuz it’s George.

Dawg can’t say it was a bad song choice, because Manilow chose it and is sitting right there. Paula minestrone soup’s her tossed salad of comments. Simon struggles to praise the song while dissing the performance. Face it - if George had chosen this song for himself, the regular panel would be harping on how poor a song choice it was.

George should have read the lyrics of all the songs and selected one with a story he wanted to sing. If it’s true that Manilow picked songs for everyone, I think he made a mistake with George’s. And George should have stood up and used Manilow’s argument back on him. We were shown Manilow telling George to just tell the story, and forget the notes, the melody, the words – just tell the story. George did forget the notes and the melody and looked as if he didn’t want to tell this particular story.

My pal at RTVT, KAL, got hold of a list of Barry Manilow’s 100s of songs recorded on 54 albums. (Is there anyone who owns all 54? Is there anyone who even knows anyone who owns all 54?) My point is there has to have been a better song for George than the one he had foisted on him. Maybe Manilow just doesn’t care for George and didn’t want him to shine?

Including this, George has had 3 great weeks and 2 sucky ones. Unfortunately, his great weeks are becoming a distant memory, while the sucky ones are fresh. This is a marathon singing competition. Is he just a sprinter? Now isn’t the time to start sucking, George.

If he doesn’t return to form next week, George will deserve to be gone sooner than any of the women.

Jennifer Hudson is given "Weekend in New England." Her outfit: white top, black pedal pusher pants, black t-shirt begs the question, what the hell were they doing on this weekend, cycling?

Anyhoo, she starts off quietly, and it’s nice, then she suddenly goes loud which is a little disconcerting. But she sings well. I’m rather fascinated with watching her face emoting. This is a bit of a problem, as I’m too aware of the technique involved, and not really focusing on the story in the song. While the last note was not the purest musical honey that we have heard from her, overall it’s a strong performance for Jennifer.

I was also distracted during the performance by the giant black & white collar around her neck. You know, I really don’t want to know anything more about what happened on this weekend.

Dawg loved it, Barry says she took it all the way. Paula says she’s staying on the path, and Simon is happy, cuz Jennifer is helping to create a battle of the divas. Now why did I bother to report that? I’m slipping.

Jasmine Trias is shown saying, “Manilow is such a genius when it comes to, like, music & stuff.” Then we cut to Barry asking her what she thinks. Once in a blue moon, the editors of this show deliver a doozy. I love juxtaposition like this. Hilarious.

Jasmine does "I’ll Never Love this Way Again." Her white skirt is cut oddly and I have to work to tear my eyes away from the strips of cloth hanging by her sides. It’s paired with a jean jacket. The white top bares midriff. She has earrings we can’t really see and white nailpolish. The flower, it turns out, is hidden inside the jacket. Not a bad outfit, but it seems a little trashy.

She stands like a lump in front of the mike until it’s time to take the mike off the stand and move 2 feet downstage and recommence standing like a lump. It was one of her best performances. Her voice sounded as rich and full of “color” as it can, I think. Her voice is not nearly as thin as Data Stevens’, but this is Jasmine’s best yet. However, it’s not good enough for her to win this competition.  A “best yet” from Jasmine is the equivalent of “meh” from the top 3. She has a sweet voice, not off-key, just not strong enough to beat the best that’s here. She might be a better singer than Diana, but I prefer Diana’s energy (when she brings it), which Jasmine seems incapable of doing.

Simon asks Barry what he’s done to the girls, cuz they’re singing so well. Most of the girls were already singing well, so that’s mainly Diana and Jasmine who’ve improved. Too bad George didn’t benefit from Manilow’s interference, I mean, song selection and coaching.

Latoya London is assigned "All The Time." Blue jeans, white silky halter top and it’s her turn for those spaghetti string earrings that have been making the rounds among the women. Maybe next week is George’s turn? Latoya still has short hair. Some sash is hanging off one side of her hips. What is with the Casual Friday Chic we’re getting here?

Latoya has a lovely voice and most of the song is pleasant, except for one note at the end that sounds screechy to me. Mr Islands says it was like opera: you’re not supposed to hear words, just emotion. Well, I heard screech and it jarred. My emotion was annoyance.  Overall, a good solid performance but it didn’t touch me. Or move me. I’m still waiting for a Latoya performance to really knock my socks off. I think the last time I was wowed was during auditions. Maybe she’s treating this like the marathon it is, and working up to delivering the sock-knock-offs?

Barry tells her she makes him proud to be a songwriter. Paula says that one note gave her chills. Yeah, me, too. Simon thinks she’s the best singer in the competition. And now she’s singing like she believes it and like she believes she could win. Mr Islands, my dear hubby, adds it was fantastic. “I closed my eyes and thought I was on my way to heaven being escorted by angels singing songs of heavenly praise to me,” he says after returning to Earth. (Yes, I’m taking dictation here.) But fer pete’s sake.

John Stevens gets to do a song we all recognize by title: "Mandy."  On his chair, in a grey suit and blue shirt, John begins. And he sounds really good, even if (or perhaps because of) the background noises providing techno-finger clicks so he doesn’t have to.

He starts off sounding right for the song. Just as I’m thinking I’ve been wrong about him and this is what his fans have been waiting for, he starts to hurry through the chorus. His voice goes thin as he hurries towards the finish line. The hurrying ruins the performance. Quite a shame, really, because I was on the verge of really liking him for once.

Maybe he was put off by singing about someone named Mandy? Maybe he was hurt by a Mandy, or he wishes he were singing to Randy or Amy or Joan? I don't know what, but reaching the chorus definitely was the point at which the performance went south.

When he rises from the chair and moves downstage, the crowd cheers. Yay, his legs still work! It’s probably his best performance, which again isn’t saying much. Kudos to Manilow for helping him sound good for even just half a song.

Simon says the problem is Mandy fell asleep. It’s a love song and his performance was mechanical. But he’s Data, he’s going to sound mechanical. I think if you take that into account, you can see the goodness.  Simon says John reminds him of Stan Laurel of Laurel & Hardy.  Simon knows if he doesn’t say it this week, he may not receive another opportunity. Simon understands the meaning of carpe diem, too, I guess.

This week, while most of the performances have either been good or had redeeming moments for the contestants, the songs still mostly sucked. I can’t say I really get off on Barry Manilow songs. Especially the set we saw. It’s been like watching a Bachelor episode put to music.

Fantasia Barrino is going to give “the gospel treatment” to "It’s A Miracle." She has on a pink top, white undershirt, blue jeans, black boots. I don’t know why I’m bothering to report their outfits; mostly they don’t inspire comments or jokes. They’re just clothes. Maybe that’s a subliminal effect of doing Manilow songs. They’re just songs. Nuthin’ special.

Fantasia starts by telling the audience to get up. Don’t ruin this now, Fantasia. She doesn’t.  At least not for me. It’s the most enjoyable performance of the evening for me. It’s very upbeat and I didn’t find it to be preachy. It could be about finding a wonderful mate, finding god or the thrill of motherhood. Whatever. This girl is the only one who really brings the story of the song, even with the abridged versions of songs they’re allowed to perform. I’ve enjoyed more of her performances than anyone else in this season.

She’s my favorite, I admit it. I love her style, her energy, her voice. Sure there are some yeah yeahs in there, maybe a few too many, but she does them differently every time and to my mind, she makes them fit in and work. I love ‘em. Woo Go Fantasia. You rock, girl.

Barry tells her to open up her own concert with that song. Paula mumbles something about how she likes the other version. So Paula is a wee bit jealous, perhaps? Paula, I think, is seething. She can’t sit there and offer her twee nonsensical pieces of “advice” to youngsters who have more performing ability than she can even conceive of.

Simon tells Fantasia she did great and thank god she’s still in the competition.

Final Thoughts & Predictions. Manilow might have just helped himself to make a big fat deposit in his bank account, if some of these kids record his songs on their albums. This American Idol stuff is turning into a money maker of sorts for some of those involved, isn’t it?

As the songs & performances are reviewed, this much is clear. There are 3 top contenders, 3 also rans, and 1 never should have been. While for my money Fantasia is the best, I see how others would feel the same way about Jennifer and/or Latoya. I ought to, anyway. At many boards, folks are posting their love for them, while fewer are backing Fantasia. So the final 2 will probably be Jennifer & Latoya.

Based on the totality of performances, George, Diana and Jasmine are overall 4s. As in, any one of them could get to the #4 spot, eliminating the other two along the way, but not one is strong enough to break into the top 3. They have had their “moments” but they haven’t been consistently good.

Poor John Stevens is so out of his depth in this competition it’s just a shame that Army Girl isn’t still around in his place. Bottom line: John Stevens doesn’t belong here. Not this year anyway. Tonight’s performance showed that he does have potential and with coaching and some life experience, he could be a contender in a few years’ time.

For now, tho, he SHOULD go. My picks for his colleagues in the bottom three this week are George and Diana. It’s definitely time for George to experience the fear of elimination. If there’s anything to scare a performer into digging deep and coming up with the goods, it’s that first appearance in the bottom 3. Diana seems to have a lot of detractors and while I do like her a lot, I recognize that the fanbase probably isn’t there to carry her much further. Of course, for someone like Diana who has been in the B3 before, it could have a morale-diminishing effect on her.

However, we are rapidly reaching the point where being in the Bottom 3 is not a sign of being untalented, but rather a sign of having a smaller fanbase.

Thanks for reading.