AI3 Finale Results Recap

Do you remember thinking during the auditions that it looked kind of hopeless? Okay, really hopeless. For every Fantasia, LaToya or Jennnifer, it seemed there were 100s of terrible, awful “wannabes” who could not sing. By the third week of Auditions, I was distraught and I wrote:

The outright flat and off-key and pitched like a tent - going in four directions at once - soldiered on, massacring tunes of all genres.  There was a point during tonight's set when I had gotten so punchy, that if the decision had been up to me, I would have sent some of the quaveriest voices into Hollywood. I was all, "yeah she's okay - she doesn't make me want to scratch my eyes out." 

Maybe, possibly, some of the rejects can sing when they're not in front of a camera. Maybe. Like in their shower, or under the pillows in a drunken stupor. But not when it's being recorded for national television. You can see the moment when the contestant gets in front of the judges, sees the cameras and realizes that this might end up on national TV. That thought sends the afflicted-by-fear-of-fame right over the edge and that's why they sound sooo bad.

Fortunately, things picked up. Let’s review some highlights.

The Road To The Finals. Either Ryan couldn’t be bothered or he wasn’t permitted to spend more time on our Two Finalists. Let’s you and I take a few minutes right now, and take ourselves all the way back to the beginning and cover the whole journey.  No, it won’t take long and there won’t even be an ad break.

Oh, alright, I admit it.  I over-prepared. I spent ages looking through discussion threads and my own recaps. So it’s mostly all about me and my ratings of our two AI3 Finalists. It’s nothing more than an excuse for me to show how I spent an hour or three researching. Here are the Journeys to the Final 2, as seen by me:

Fantasia performed “Freedom” in Atlanta at her audition, and I loved it. I wrote “Fantasia – awesome.” Either I missed Diana's or I don’t recall or possibly we weren’t shown her audition. Yeah, that's it - we weren't shown it.

In the first group 8 of the final 32 episode, Fantasia rocked with “Something to Talk About.” I wrote:

Something about how Fantasia delivered “Something to Talk About” makes me hopeful that she'll deliver other songs in a unique way, but not so they all the sound the same. She sang like she was thinking of someone and singing the song about him and to him. I thought it an amazing performance and hope to see her perform as well or better in the weeks to come. So far, she's worth the price of admission for me.

Diana also performed in the first 8 of final 32: “I Got The Music in Me.” Funny how both our finalists were in the same Final 32 episode. I don’t have comments for her performance because I missed it.

For Soul week, the first proper week of AI Top 12 competition, Fantasia did well with “Signed Sealed Delivered.” Diana blew me out of the stadium with “Think.” I loved Diana right away with this, her first WOW performance.

For Country Week, Fantasia chose “Always On My Mind” while Diana covered “A Broken Wing.” I don’t know where I put my comments for this episode, but as I reviewed the list of songs, I recall really enjoying LaToya’s “Aint Goin’ Down til the Sun Comes Up” and John Stevens’ “King of the Road” that week.

In Motown Week, Diana earned 2nd place in my chart with “Do You Love Me?” Who beat her? Why Fantasia, of course, with “I Heard It Thru the Grapevine.” From this episode onwards, I began paying more attention and handing out ratings each week. Fantasia earned 10 out of 10, while Diana’s touch of a sour note at the end of her song prevented her from besting Fantasia.

Fantasia did “Something About the Way You Look Tonight” for Elton John Week, but I didn’t care for her look or her singing and she received a low grade from me, 4 points out of a possible 9. Meanwhile, Diana’s “I’m Still Standing” was one of her better performances, upbeat and lively. In my view, she was second only to George’s “Take Me To The Pilot” that week. She wasn’t feeling 100% and did an amazing job, all things considered.

Movie Songs week, Diana did “My Heart Will Go On” but had a poor outing. I gave her 4 out of a possible 8. Nice outfit and look, but the singing wasn’t on. Instead, Fantasia’s “Summertime” knocked it out of the park. I absolutely loved her rendition, even more than Janis Joplin, my previous favorite. I felt Fantasia completely captured the emotional layers of the song. I could feel the heat and see the cotton in the fields!

On Manilow week, “It’s a Miracle” earned Fantasia my top honors (7 out of 7.) I loved her treatment of this song. Diana received 4 out 7 for “One Voice” although it was a better performance than the rating would reflect. There were simply 3 others whose performances I liked better on the night.

Diana’s “Turn the Beat Around” for Salsa week got my top grade, in spite of a horrendous outfit.  Fantasia’s “Get On Your Feet” was not good. I gave her 3 out of 6 (tied with George.) I felt it was a hollow performance, perhaps due to her unhappiness at seeing Jennifer get booted in an untimely fashion. It was hard for her to be upbeat and Salsa just doesn’t have sad songs.

For Big Band, Fantasia selected “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and “What Are You Doing The Rest of My Life?” While neither song struck me as being “of the genre,” they were both good enough performances that I graded her not in the Bottom 3. I didn’t like any of them that week to award 1st and 2nd. Perhaps it was unfair, but I docked Diana because I don’t like the songs “Someone to Watch Over Me” and “Pack Up Your Troubles, Get Happy.” While I figured Diana would and should land in the Bottom 3 that week, I also hoped she'd be safe. It was at this point that I began to hope for a Fantasia v Diana final 2.

Diana earned top honors in Disco week. “This Is It” was a B grade but “No More Tears” was a WOW. Pulling out such an awesome performance this late in the competition is proof to me that Diana is built for a marathon.  Meanwhile, Fantasia found herself in my “bottom 2” with her renditions of “Knock on Wood” and “Holding Out For A Hero.” True, at this point only four Idol Wannabes remained. How glad was I she didn’t go home!

For 3 song night, Fantasia chose “Chain of Fools,” “Fool in Love” and “The Greatest Fool of All” (oops I mean love, “Greatest Love of All.”) The first two songs were Fantasia at her almost-best, the last was missing that spark that comes when she really connects with the song. But she definitely deserves to be here. By this point, fatigue and overworked vocal chords are beginning to be noticeable.

Diana’s 3 song night choices were “Aint No Mountain High Enough,” “Because You Loved Me” and “Don’t Cry Out Loud.”  None of them was a WOW performance, but in my view she did deserve to advance ahead of Jasmine.

So there we are and here we are! Those are all the songs they performed. I know I missed one of Diana’s from the earlier episodes. But enough introductory blather from me! Let’s get started with Ryan’s introductory blather. On with the show! And the jokes!

Our show tonight, or rather pre-show, as Ryan gleefully informs us a couple of times during the first half hour, begins outside the Kodak Theatre. The sun is shining and the celebrities are arriving.  Nicole Richie and Andy Richter are “celebrities?” Yeah, okay. At least someone is paying attention. What about us, the millions? Are we chopped liver? Hometown fans appear via satellite TV on giant screens placed conveniently at every vantage point. Regular fans who aren’t near a TV camera can at least snack & cry in peace.

It’s the final two-hour bash. Two hours! What are they going to do with 2 hours? And why can’t I remember what happened last year? I guess I wasn’t recapping and was already kind of wasted after only 10 minutes. 

How can there possibly be enough to fill two hours? Gah.  Maybe if I stop complaining and just get a Gin & Tonic and get on with it already…

Ryan is in a black tux with white shirt. His face is definitely fatter this season. He’s been eating well and getting to the gym less, I reckon.  He even has help, in the form of pretty Christina Christian, an AI contestant from the first season, and pretty vacant Jennifer Love Hewitt, a non-contestant who must be SO grateful not to have had to attend an AI audition in order to obtain a record deal. You know who I realize wasn’t front & centre tonight? Justin Guarini. He could have helped Ryan annoy the judges.

Oh, eyeroll. Ryan just called Miss Hewitt “Love.” Here is your complimentary puke bucket. \___/. Use it wisely, empty it often.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is still skinny, so she figures it’s okay if she wears an unflattering belly-baring black shmutter top with ugly jeans that ride low. Just because you can, Jennifer, doesn’t mean you should. She is so bony she must be dangerous to sit beside. Ugh. Her phony upbeat happy-to-be-here patter is somewhat annoying. Oh alright, it’s really annoying. Her head looks tiny perched on top of her small upper body and disproportionately large child-bearing hips.

Legions of fans equals one stage set up outside. It’s a lovely sunny day in sunny (um, where are we again? Southern California?) U.S.A.

I couldn’t proess what “Love” had to say about LaToya, so I’ll utilize more of my own research. During the auditions, there was another singer who caught my eye and ear, and that someone else was LaToya London. She bowled me over with her performance of “Almost Like Being In Love.” On the strength of that one song, I spent the entire show waiting and hoping to be bowled over again. And I never really was. Maybe that song was the result of years of practice that honed it to the point where it became a wedding reception show-stopper. I bet it’s the song that always gets everyone dancing happily. And maybe it’s the last song of the band’s first set after which they perform wedding party “Requests.” The party doesn’t care that the band doesn’t know the request songs very well: everyone has started looking at everyone else, and kind of falling in love because they’re all so happy and the band is a hit with the crowd. And LaToya never really honed another song the way she honed that one.

So anyhooo, Latoya kicks off the festivities with the first outdoor performance. She’s in a hot pink top with spaghetti straps and a faded blue denim skirt and pink shoes. Silver bangles adorn her upper arms and a thick silver choker with a lock & key adorns her neck. Oh dear. Bling-overload. She sings “If You Don’t Love Me by Now” to give her fans a bit of a slap for not voting her all the way to the end. She sings with feeling, a lot of feeling. NOW she exudes emotion? It was good, but I’m really mesmerized by the lock & key on that choker. What does it mean? Is it symbolic of her relationship with her new record company?

When she’s finished, Jennifer Pain in the Neck Hewitt recommences squawking and I’m thankful for Ryan who rescues us and takes us to the makeup theatre to schmooze with Diana, who squeaks Hiii. Her speaking voice is a little screechy and hard to handle, I’ll admit.

Ryan starts asking dumb questions. You know, Ryan would never have landed a job as an interviewer without the success of this show. After three years, he still has a hard time formulating questions without answers wrapped up in them like Fortune cookie sayings. For example, he asks Diana, “Can you celebrate or are you still in “compete mode” given that you’re going to sing again?” eyeroll. Diana kind of ignores him (heh) and says she is going to have fun. But it’s like her answer doesn’t matter. All that matters is Ryan! Asking Questions!! Why do I have a feeling I’ll be rolling my eyes a lot tonight?

Kim Caldwell \___/ is in Georgia, where she can’t do too much damage. Her hair reminds me of Anna Nicole Smith while her make-up looks like Tammy Faye Bakker is her personal guru. Were the trowels super-sized, Kim?  I can’t even see her eyes, because she can’t open her eyelids thanks to the obscene amount of eye shadow and mascara slathered on them. Kim is perky, “Oh guess who this is, Diana? It’s the Governor of State of Georgia, here to support YOU!”  Look at me I’m Kimberly on TV!!

Kim has been to the Ryan Seaquest School of Interviewing, and she tell-asks the Governor that she understands he has a bet of Peaches vs Blueberries with the Governor of the State of North Carolina, Fantasia’s state. All that’s left for Georgia Guvnor to do is agree.  Then she comments on him being a real man because he’s wearing pink, apparently on behalf of Diana. He woohoos because the little trollop called him a real man.

Diana is awed out of her skull over the support. Ryan promises a lot more of this pre-game show. I feel dizzy. \___/. We go to ads.

We come back. Tons of “celebrities” are flashing before my eyes, saying “Fantasia” or “Diana.”  I’m not even sure if they mean they want that one to win or voted for that one, or would kill that one if she wins. Posh Spice, um, Nicole Ritchie, um, er, I can’t remember. Waaah. I admit I barely recognized them, never mind recalling their names. Look at who I did recognize. Posh Spice and Nicole Richie. It’s pathetic of me, isn’t it?  But it was just a blur of B- and C-list “I know I’ve seen you before but can’t quite remember your name” people.

Fantasia is visited by Ryan while she is having gloss put on. She puts some gloss on Ryan. He seems to enjoy the experience.  Do you think they set that up earlier, so he could have gloss, but “blame” it on Fantasia “doing” it to him?  She shows us a blue box that contains a beautiful candle gift from Toni Braxton.  It’s all so exciting for her.

Clay appears on the TV screen in her dressing room. He is with the North Carolina fans. 100s of thousands of screaming shrieking fans. Oh, wait. Just 6000. What a let-down. Mayor of High Point (what, no mayor of North Carolina?) is with Clay. The mayor can feel the love. Woo. Fantasia sends love to Clay, “You look awesome, Clay.” That was kind of anti-climactic, after the mayor of the whole state was on hand for Diana.

Ryan calls the celebrities “Freeloaders.” Ho ho, ha ha. Shut up Ryan. How do you expect to get anyone to appear on your show? We are handed off once again to Christina, who is interviewing Nicole Richie, Celebrity. Nicole watches the show “religiously.” Which show? THIS show. Christina is amazed, because there is Nicole, with her Busy Schedule. How does she watch while filming Simple Life 2, which begins airing June 6 or sometime soon, notice the plug, nudge nudge, wink, wink \____/. Why, she TiVO’s it of course, and has DVDs sent to the shack wherever she is. Isn’t it cool to be a celebrity with super-rich parents and a whole network at your beck & call?

Back to “Love/Hate Relationship,” who squawks and woohoos and finally gets around to presenting George Huff to sing “Me & Mrs. Jones.” As it begins, I think, “This is his kind of song.” I’ve never really listened carefully to this song before.  He’s in a dark suit with a lime green t-shirt and yellow sneakers.  \___/ for the sneakers. He does have a pleasant voice, so I listen to him sing. :eek You know, I never realized before that this is a song about adultery?!?! Imagine that!  Jeez. I’m not that sheltered. Just not that interested.  “She’s got her own obligations”??? And “I do too”??? So they’re both married and he’s singing about how they’re fooling around. I thought this was supposed to be a family show. Damn, and folks have the nerve to get upset over Fantasia the teenage mom having a child out of wedlock.

Ryan isn’t quite as stupid as I thought – he points out what I just pointed out. “It’s always the quiet ones you gotta watch.”  LOL.

Well, almost a half-hour frittered away. Maybe this will just whiz by. What a pain Jennifer Love Hewitt is. How did she get this gig? Oh, because she released a horrible single recently. We heard it on Much Music the other day – god it was awful. \___/

After ads, Ryan is with Dawg & Paula. Dawg is in a pinstripe suit with a salmon pink shirt and bright salmon tie. He’s never looked so gay. Paula is in a sparkly white dress that makes her boobies really round. They look like Hagar the Horrible’s daughter’s boobies.  These two blather about how great the season was and how like proud parents they are. I mean, Dawg & Paula blather, not Paula’s boobies. Tho’ you’d be forgiven for misreading that, cuz those boobies looked like they could talk, they were that perky and happy to be here.

Paula won’t be crying, but Dawg says he & Simon will. eyeroll and yet LOL

Back to Christina, outside, with the shrieking crowd. It’s really ear-piercing. Christina is with Ray Romano, who has brought his daughter & four of her friends. He’s unshaven and complaining about having been in a limo with five 13 year olds. Situation more or less normal. He says he did watch the show, he lies he thought it was great, and says he liked them both but he’d vote for Fantasia.

Love \___/ introduces Jasmine, who has had a chance to return to Hawaii where it was insane. Jasmine has red streaks in her hair, proof of just how insane it was back home. They drew blood, is what we’re to understand. She performs “Midnight Train to Georgia.” Next season she'll be an interviewer.  She’s in a black halter top and black pedal pushers.  The camera zooms around looking at her from all angles as she sings pleasantly enough. She’s not good enough to win, but she is good enough to sing outside to a crowd that hasn’t got anywhere else to go, I mean anywhere else it would rather be.

While Jasmine sings, Mr. AMAI tells me about hearing Diana on a radio talk show today. She reported that there were voids in the stage and she couldn’t hear, and that’s why she was messing up her third song last night. That was also why she was wandering round the stage, looking for the spots where she could hear and “find the tone.” As soon as she is done, so is he! How 'bout that for perfect timing?

Time for Ryan to accost Simon Cowell. Ryan knocks at the door and calls out, “We’re coming with a camera, put your teeth in.” Simon is tired, and it’s been a stressful season. Ryan asks what is the most difficult part of being a judge and Simon says there isn’t anything difficult for him because he knows what he’s talking about. He and Ryan agree it’s not conceit at all. Ryan laughs to himself thinking what a great job he’s done making Simon look arrogant, but it’s the truth. Simon remembers saying Fantasia could be one of the best contestants ever.  Ryan loves Simon and loves joshing him about how long it takes him to decide whether the show is about him or about the singers. Finally Simon unconvincingly decides to say it’s about them. Oh phew, let’s move on.

Ryan sends us over to “Love” \___/ for the sole purpose of hearing her “sign off” by saying “it’s been a blast.” Christina gets one last interview, with Sharon Osborne, whose favorite is Fantasia. Sharon lies she thinks the show last night was “really good.” God, who is paying these idiots to lie? And how do they say it with a straight face? Oh wait, Sharon was smiling. She knows she’s towing the party line. Sure, the show had a moment or two, but overall I was disappointed that it wasn’t more awesome. My socks were on for most of the night.

Ryan visits with the choir, jumps around, get bored and leaves, to wander the theatre and show up onstage to huge cheers inside the Kodak Theatre. The crowd is screaming its heads off. Or the crowd are screaming their heads off. I’m not sure how to construct that sentence. My Word program seems to prefer the first version. Hey, only an hour and twenty minutes to go til we get the result. Or maybe an hour and fifteen minutes, if it will happen at 9:55 rather than one minute to ten. Ad break.

That was a long break. I should have gotten snacks. Okay we’re back. What is the deal with the credits, now? Oh right, that was PRE-Show, NOW, the REAL-show is beginning. Mustn’t miss having the metallic non-gender-specific statuette bobo-ing.

Tamyra Gray opens the Official Singing with “The Star Spangled Banner,” to make this a proper sporting competition. She’s a lovely girl, but her voice kind of wavers on every other note. It’s a little disconcerting. I hold my breath waiting for that one really horrible note that I’m sure will be here as soon as it can get directions to the stage. At least she doesn’t screech. Not bad for singing without a band, but there it is! The horrible note was thankfully the last note. :eek  Ryan thanks her, “Beautiful, Tamyra.”

“40 weeks ago the search began,” Ryan intones self-importantly as he is wont to do. “Over 65 million votes were cast last night.” Wow. 65 million. Having 6 phone lines for only two contestants really helped. Maybe there have always been 65 million votes, but they couldn’t count them all.  Ryan allows the crowd to cheer for itself for voting. The judges are in place and the group cheers for them too. Ryan manages introductions without adding his usual gobbledygoop of insulting remarks.

Dawg says “If you ain’t here you ain’t nowhere.” I am really over Randy "Dawg" Jackson. This season he jumped his own personal shark. All that “yo yo yo” and “dawg dude aiiight” just pushed me closer and closer towards madness.  That last comment? Where’s mah puke buckit \___/ and mah strait-jackit?

Paula has butterflies and is nervous and wants to get it over with so they can get on with their careers. Her cloying nonsense is as sickening as Dawg’s blather. \___/

Simon doesn’t say anything. His gorgeous white shirt under his suit jacket is unbuttoned to the navel practically. God, that’s kind of hot actually. Slap me!

Now, let’s have a song! “The Impossible Dream,” sung by Diana. She is mixing up the words: the unbearable foe? A little Freudian slippage, methinks.  Oops and here she is now. Fantasia joins Diana to help sing the right words in the right order. They are both in pants. Good move. Fantasia has on a black halter shirt, while Diana has a suit jacket. I look away for a second, and when I look back I see a tiny sparkly bra under a jacket buttoned once, revealing belly button bling and I wonder when Diana got her belly button pierced. Oh wait, that’s Kelly Clarkson. And here is Ruben, as big as ever if not bigger. You’re really pushing the envelope, Ruben. You be careful you don't do yourself a permanent injury, there big guy. Chris Farley? John Candy? Ringing any bells?

The three girls sound good together. Now the choir is onstage too. What a pile o' people, all showcasing Ruben, since the girls are singing together like they’re his backup.

When it's done, Ryan brings a towel for Ruben. Awww, just like old times.  Ryan promises results, and a big show tonight. We’re going for ads, again? That was only 8 minutes of show. This is the awful part, the endless ad breaks. But actually, I shouldn’t whine, since I need the break so I can go upstairs to start my tape in the other VCR to record the horrible After The Final Rose Bachelor post-crap I’ve been hearing such a buzz about. Be right back…

Oh that man of mine i think i will do

See what happens when I leave the room for 2 minutes… Mr. AMAI starts typing on the computer, trying to put ideas into my head by inserting subliminal messages... The poor dear... 

We’ve survived Hour One. Onstage are Diana and Fantasia with Ryan. He asks if they both thought they’d be here tonight. Fantasia says she said she would work hard and she loves everybody. Diana knew she was in when she was in the group with Fantasia back at the Final 32 stage. Fantasia says she was scared of Diana, cuz she’s a powerhouse. They are learning the celebrity schtick of how to top each other in praising each other. "No, you’re great." "No, you’re greater." "You’re the best!" "You’re better than best." "It’s all thanks to YOU!" LOL.  I don’t think they even really answered Ryan’s question.

 

Back to Clay, who is with County Commissioner Bruce Davis, head of Fantasia’s fan club. County Commissioner?  Even the political celebrities are B- and C-list.  County Commissioner (:lol) Davis tells us about the billboard they put together of Fantasia and he shows us a tiny picture of her that’s on it. What, we don’t get to see the actual billboard? Gypped. Come to think of it - a billboard? Is that, like, an honor? I though people hated billboards.

Back to Kim Caldwell \___/ and her overly made-up face and giant hair. They have Diana’s choir teacher, whose name, if we were told it, flew right by me. You don’t think I actually recorded this, do you? Kim knows that Choir Teacher went to LA. “Yes,” says Choir Teacher, “Why yes, yes I did go to L.A. and it was awesome.” Kim is darting in front of the camera again, trying to squeeze in another second of facetime. Just like old times. \____/

Oh and the mayor of Snellville is there, and reckons Diana will win. Diana put Snellville on the map. On the water tower, it says "Snellville, Where Everybody is Somebody." And Diana is a Final 2 Finalist On American Idol, a bigger Somebody than You’ll Ever Be.

No it doesn’t really say that, but I wonder if Diana ever thought it… 

Oh, we have to revisit last night and the judges’ comments. Diana got props for song 1, Fantasia got slammed. Diana came out hard on her second song, then Fantasia reprised Summertime. Simon said “best contestant ever.” Diana had a bad 3rd song, and Fantasia blew it out of the park with her version of “I Believe.” And that’s the short version because the Roundtable will contain the long versions. It better! (It does!)

Ryan promises the results some more, again, and Mr. AMAI says, “Didn’t he just tell us they were coming right up, like, ten minutes ago?” Yes, dear.  Ryan does this every results show. Mr. AMAI will say that again in ten minutes’ time.  We go to the first of 10 ad breaks that still remain (you know, one every five minutes.)

Okay, back and now it’s time to hear “Beautiful Disaster” sung by Kelly Clarkson. She’s in an unflattering filmy looking pale green dress. Her face is much prettier than last time I saw her, which was last season when they previewed the horrible \___/ video with her and Justin Guarini tootling around in a boat down by a river.  Maybe she’s prettier because she’s fatter, er, I mean, not quite as thin gaunt as she was then. She’s got a fair amount of meat on her now, but it’s not unattractive.  She’s sitting on the piano singing about this gorgeous boy who is a disaster. Is it a song about Jordan Catalano? Sorry – didn’t you watch My So-Called Life? I thought that was required viewing for everyone in the 90s.

It’s been five minutes and is, you guessed it, time for another ad break. First, a faux ad. The two finalists perform the contractually obligated lame car commercial. “Shining Star” sounds really canned. The whole concept is crass. But the girls look good, so it's a Beautiful Disaster.

Back and Ryan is in the audience to introduce the AI top 12, who will perform a tribute to the guest judges in the order in which they were thankful to have them.

George has the first cameo doing “I’ll Be There.” Could you imagine Michael Jackson being a guest judge on this show? Somehow I think he may have blown the opportunity to enjoy that honor.  All the girls do a tribute to Gloria Estefan. Camille gets a spotlight and still looks kind of trashy. She sure fooled a lot of people in the auditions. Leah LaBelle has a spotlight, trying valiantly to stay in tune. Amy gets a nice albeit short spotlight. Jasmine does the hand outstretched during her spotlight. Diana sings with JPL and with Matt, drowning out their weak voices. Their mikes might have even been turned off, so as not to interfere with the real singers.

Next, the Donna Summer portion of the tribute. “She works hard for the money.” Ah yes, nothing like a nice song about prostitutes.  Everyone’s outfits are yellow & white variations, and I really like the effect. Some are all in pale yellow, some just have on a bright yellow top, others just a bright yellow scarf with an otherwise all-white outfit. It’s much more interesting than having them all in the same cookie-cutter ensemble. It is fun and lively and I enjoy checking out what each of them has done with the concept of Yellow and White.

Songs are going too fast.  JPL keeps the microphone far away from his mouth, because what difference, eh? His philosophy here appears to be, “Why hide your face if your mike doesn’t work anyway?”  I still can’t stand him. \___/

Oh, here’s John Stevens finally getting a taste of a Big Band spotlight. Oops it’s over. 20 seconds flies by whether you’re having fun or not.  On to Elton John, and Diana reprises “I’m Still Standing.” Somebody sounds flat on the yeah yeahs. Jennifer receives a huge cheer as she opens what turns out to be the Barry Manilow segment. Why doesn’t Word recognize “Manilow” – am I misspelling it? Latoya takes a turn. She sings about having it rain on her parade. Oh now I feel LaToya’s pain. Now that the competition is over, she sure is projecting emotions like there’s a firesale. Fantasia sings she made it thru the rain.

And it’s over. Jennifer and Latoya are on either side of Fantasia, hugging her. It was actually quite good, really. Better than most group sings, I think because the best voices were the only ones given functioning microphones. Group sings are always kind of hokey, and yet this one was kind of sad, cuz the whole season is almost all over. If we want to enjoy performances again, first we shall have to suffer through the auditions, and the crappy two or three or four contestants whom the idiot judges put through as their “wild card” selections. \___/ Ad time.

Back and Ryan is reminding us about how only last season he was opening an envelope in front of a very large finalist. Who is writing this material for Ryan? Is he doing it himself? It sucks harder than the Fantom Cyclone. 

Ruben is here to sing a song called “What If?”  He’s in a pinstripe suit.  I like this song! It’s funny and yet something new. What if I had to call from a pay phone? What if I didn't have 4 million? It really sounds like his sort of thing. I’ve always thought he had a bit of a sense of humor. This is really a fun song! Who is on the t-shirt? Oh look, celebrities are waving at cameras in the audience.

Ryan is back to share a behind the scenes moment, when the guy at the piano wasn’t Manilow and his pissed-off face at not being recognized by the make-up lady got him to say, “It’s too god-damned depressing.”   More ads. It’s 9:30. Only a half hour to go. Hey, I think we made it!

Before the results, it’s time to hear them sing one more time. There are Diana’s thousands in Snellville. She’s gonna sing “I Believe” again. Oh no. Uh oh. What's this? Is she mad? She sounds better tonight than she did last night. That’s got to be a bit depressing, in its way. She does do a credible job with the song, but it’s amazing how Fantasia takes that song and knocks it out of the stadium. And I really don't care for the song as a song.

Mr. AMAI just thinks Diana is screaming. “Did I go tone-deaf? Where are the notes?” He’s still pining for LaToya. Poor dear. Apparently Diana has Kelly Clarkson in tears. Why? Because she should be up there, getting to sing this song? Could be.

Now Ryan introduces “the competition,” Fantasia, who will first suffer through Ryan putting his hand on her stomach to check for nerves. She is going to sing something called “Dreams.” She has a talent for picking meh songs and making me listen to them. But I’ve just about had enough of these “big picture” songs. She didn’t do the Tamyra song, because she didn’t need to improve on her performance of last night, but it felt like she wanted to do a similar kind of song, and enough already with the dreams and the believing and whatnot. It wasn’t different enough to make me give a damn. Nice delivery but I want to hear some different ideas in these songs. That’s why I liked Ruben’s “What If?” song – it had something original to say.

Ryan says to Fantasia, “Who gets the record deal and who gets the consolation prize?” What, as in, the other record deal? I’ve had enough of Ryan Seaquest for one year, I assure you.

With ten minutes left, we may well be about to crown the next Idol. Nope. Here they are together to sing, “I Knew You Were Waiting.”

Diana is in what at first looks like towel as she walks thru the crowd, with a swatch of the royal blue dress material swirling in the breeze behind her. The dress accentuates her tummy and lack of a curvy torso. It also shows off her not very pretty legs. Fantasia is smart and in a black pantsuit.  Camera pans to judges’ table and Simon is looking off into the crowd. Mr. AMAI wants to know what he’s looking at, which is why I even noticed in the first place.

This is another song about believing in dreams. Yawn. You’re pushing me to the edge, girls. Can we get back to reality?

Ryan asks Simon to say what they get. Simon says, “Fame, stardom, a ton of money.” He says this competition has proven it’s the best talent show on earth. Paula is proud to be a part of the show, and it’s time to move on with your careers. It’s the first day of the rest of your life. And for the loser, it’s a gig at next season’s finalist’s hometown, interviewing C-list politicians and slobbering fans. Dawg is still kind of agreeing with others, kind of talking like he’s been sitting next to Paula for too long. He magnanimously tells them, “You’re both winners, so stand proud. Congratulations.”

“America, it’s time to get to it.” Ryan rattles off all of last night’s comments. Miss Marcy don’t fail me now! From the blur of verbiage that spewed forth, I heard that for Fantasia they said, “Amazing talent. Brilliant x 4, Fantasia x 5. You’ll never bore an audience. It’s your night. You’re lucky to sing more than one song. Best contestant ever. Acceptance speech. Congratulations.”

For Diana they said, “You worked it out. You came to win. Somewhere in the middle of the song you kind of fell apart. Great. Good. Blech. Sang really really well. Sang well. Had a chance to nail it and you didn’t. Great. Bleah.”

So you see the theme. Fantasia started a little shaky and got stronger, Diana started strong and lost it.  Finally it’s time to reveal it and Ryan of course has to rattle off the same statistics some more.  65 million votes!!! Have. Voted. For...

FANTASIA! YAY!!!

Crowd goes wild, cheering. Her family and friends dance in the aisles. Diana’s mom claps too. The two finalists hug onstage. Where is the money popping out of my TV?

And Fantasia is bawling. Paula’s idiotic handclapping irks the you know what outta me.

Fantasia, goes, “Thank you I broke my shoe.” She broke her necklace too. “I been thru some things but I worked hard to get to where I’m at. I’m a crybaby.” She is still bawling.

Diana is a gracious runner up, thanking everyone for their support. She has grown so much as a singer and performer and as a person. “So glad to be here with Fantasia, she’s my girl.”

Fantasia sings “I Believe.” Again. I don’t believe it. But she does a good job. With tears in her eyes, she sings that song and once again makes it come alive. Helluva talent.

All the other finalists come onstage to hug her when she’s done.  Unfortunately they still have their mikes on, and we hear some rather strange & disquieting noises that sound like someone is getting something squished. 

Ryan thanks everybody who took part, including us, the audience. And … it's done. A worthy winner crowned, and I'm looking forward to hearing what they all do.

Thanks for reading. See you next season!

AMAI Has Spoken!!